Day 7

 Maybe not my best fast day. I attended the virtual mens group and honestly I couldn't find the words to really lay it all on the table for everyone. Some of it is that I feel bad because I fell like I should be grateful but I have to speak my truth. Lord, I've been experiencing some subtle anxiety as it relates to this house.  I realize that when things get rough or overwhelming I try to hide from it and not deal with it.  I believe that you will work things out with this home for us. We will get the financing. I declare that this house will be brought down to an affordable price for us and that you will make a way beyond what we could imagine. Your name is riding on this.  Despite the tight situations we have found ourselves in, we have had a roof over our head, we have not gone hungry. You have showed your goodness. So as it seems to be getting tighter God I have to really work in my heart and mind that you will come through for my family. You will come through for me because of what you intended to do through me, through Charmie.  

We made the best decision with the info and the time we had available and you allowed for this. Now rise up Jesus and allow your justice to be done in the earth.  All the inconveniences and hiccups of this home, bring justice Lord.  For those that seek to steal from us and so many I ask that you fulfill your promise and make a way like no other.  I confess my fear is that none of what I ask for happens and so I try to prepare my heart to not be disappointed but you lead Shalom to speak to this. That part in my heart that says...God you won't do it for me or that thinks i'm not good enough.  I haven't quite got over all the times I felt like I was skipped over for opportunity. Or felt like, oh yeah you can do for others but question if you will do for me.  

Was I disappointed that Wellesley never paid my wife back for what they cost us. Yes. I was disappointed for the ways those girls had my wife pay extra on a place she wasn't staying that they ended up leaving anyway. Disappointment continues to speak in my life and I want to  be free from the shame of it. I want to not act like it doesn't hurt or that it doesn't make me sad. It does. It's like another form of rejection and find myself striving so hard to not encounter it. Help me see it differently. Lord redeem that. Cover me in your blood that speaks a better word. I have not come to a mountain that I must tremble in fear but I've come to a place that receives me. I don't have to try to be something I'm not.  Allow your life to flow out of me.  There is something happening in me. Something you are desiring to pull out through this process. I don't know what it is but I yeild so I praise you because you are bigger than htis developer. You own all the homes and yet you come back and watch over that which concerns me.  You will perfect that which concerns me.  You were the idea behind this home so you will look after it.  I believe you wanted us to be here and you will use whatever means to get the right people you want in this home. With that in mind I yield to whatever you want to happen in this place with this place through this place. I ask that your justice come in this process. I ask that you move mightily. I will trust you.  Give me the strength and stamina to hold out.  I'm here. 

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