Climbing this hill

 It feels like a uphill battle.  Why should I journal? I've been doing this for over a decade honestly.  Over a decade of NOT writing.  I'm going to try to have compassion on myself for this because the truth is that I am shouldering way more than I ever have in my entire life.  I wasn't a father when I first started blogging or spending time with God in my writing.  I wasn't a husband. I was in a different place physically, mentally and so much more. So I'll do my best to take it in stride.

I do wonder what it will be like and what will come up if I just commit to writing 30 minutes a day for 10 days straight. Listening to The Walk, the host said writing was like breathing.  I can't help but be cynical because I think back to how much time I once had. Do I use being married and being a father as an excuse.  Who am I really?  If I could do anything in the world what would it be.

At one point it was going to be a concert for young people.  Now, I honestly get stuck. I admit that I'm stuck because the very people in my home that should be my priority I don't treat them as such. That's a hill I'm climbing in myself.

I got a suggestion to go out on a limb and ask about something, put my hat in the ring even though a process is going on.  Bruh that is so bold. I can't help but think that is in poor taste. On the other hand that's scary for me because I wonder what people will think about me knowing I did.  I see it as thwarting a process that I clearly wasn't involved in.  Who knows. I have a decision to make.  The truth is that I would like to at least go through the process. Honestly, learning about equity and justice has breathed new life in me being willing to stay in higher ed. It's breathed new life into what I'd like to study and I have a skill of bringing people together. I can be a more skilled facilitator to create the space but I want to.

I want to get better at moderating panels.  Moderating academic discussions with guests to bring out the best in them and talk candidly.  I want to be able to articulate connections and elucidate what often goes invisible about the way the world is set up.  There is a lot of unknown and I've even said...who am I? I look at some colleagues and I'm the new kid on the block wondering who am I.  Practically the salary bump will be great.  There is also the time commitment and some things I'll have to give up there with my summer.  I don't know Jesus.  The thought of ....Lord what do you think about this?

My mind has been so occupied about being a part of a PT Justice Center and leading the Center at BHCC and honestly I haven't intentionally examined my heart around all of this.  Part of me says, that this is God given but I also don't want something such as this heart's desire to be a part of something big, lead something to be an idol. Lord with all I can I do surrender this to you. Even my heart at this moment is pierced because I don't know how much my heart truly means it. That's my baggage of disappointment.

It is me. I have what it takes to be victorious

I have tended the flock of God and God has given me the grace to be victorious. God has prepared me for what is ahread of me. God has put in me the stamina the wisdom. Draw from the well of wisdom, the well of direction, the well of the Holy Ghost. He leads me in the way that I should go.  Don't try to wear the regalia of Saul to kill my Goliath. It wasn't the stone that brought Goliath down. Do as the Lord has trained me to do.  Be confident in the way God is leading me.  I receive the grace to be confident in the leadership of the Holy Ghost.  It is not the tool that will give me the victory. It is the power of God behind it.  My Goliath has fallen. I will not fail. My Goliath has fallen.

Trust in the way He leads me not in the way He leads others. The Lord is lifting me up in my career and my financial situation.  The presence of God will put me in a class among others. I will testify.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fully Functioning Society

The course that I thought was so riveting is now becoming less of such. This is probably because the questions I ask people just give blank stares as if I'm speaking Chinese, African what have you. I think it is more of a self-confidence thing. I have a high need for feedback and when people don't say anything I start thinking something is wrong with me. Silence makes me nervous for some reason. If that last sentence was a lead to an article I would have gotten absolutely no coverage. So glad I can have a forum where my writing is not being judged. My question today is does PR add value to society? Should it seek to help make society fully functional? We can see now that the consequences of a corporate culture of greed and self interest is finally bearing bitter fruit for so many industries. So now the public is demanding that CSR be the very core of business. But beyond that should PR seek an orientation to make society fully functional? This was the argument in class tonight.
Read more

The Death of Nick Charles

This is my first post of 2013! This isn't really the post that I want to start the year off with so let's play catch up. For New Years I went to church, shot my first gun and drank champagne with my cousins. I was pretty excited to get back to work for the Spring semester. One reason being because each semester serves as a fresh start. Another reason being because I had a class that wouldn't start until February, so my load this time around is much lighter. I enrolled into an acting class. Our first assignment, and the reason for this post, is to pick a poem that could be delivered in a minimum of 2 minutes in length. I don't follow poetry too much so I chose the first long poem in Black Voices. It's called The Death of Nick Charles by Everett LeRoi Jones, who I later found out is Amiri Baraka. I heard of the author but never heard of the poem.  Not having a clue who Nick Charles was I did a search and found out that he was a sportscaster that died recently. This
Read more

This One's For The Ladies

To give some context to this statement I'll tell the story of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth's husband died and she decided to stay with her mother in law, Naomi. Naomi and Ruth are dirt poor and go through a lot of tragedy where they are. Instead of returning back to her family she decides to keep the customs of her mother in law. Naomi has a distant relative Boaz, who happens to be mad rich. Naomi tells Ruth to work in Boaz's field to make ends meet. Long story short Boaz takes a liking to Ruth and eventually they get married. Through all of the struggle Ruth went through she ends up with someone that is best for her. Now that you know this story you will understand this comment I saw on facebook: Hey Ladies, "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait o
Read more