Let's try this perpetually

 Lord, you know.  Do I even love to write anymore? I did, I used to. I'm not sure I do anymore. That could be a general fear or lack of belief behind the power of what is in me to say. I do have something to say and I believe that it is being informed.  I do experience a fear that I'm not good enough. That is something I have struggled with despite the abundant evidence that shows me I am.  I am human. I have things that I am strong at and things that I honestly suck at but I have a place and I'm not meant to be like other people, even the people I look up to.  I do not come behind in anything for God, you have given me all things for life and godliness.  I may struggle temporarily but that is because I'm gaining greater coordination in the things I desire to get more fluent in.

Let's stop to think of my equity journey. What drove me toward teaching, not that I ever saw myself as a teacher, was that from the time I was in college and committed my life to Christ, I wanted to offer teenagers particularly some type of example that you could live a life committed to Christ and not be boring lol. I believed that a relationship with Christ could answer some of the longing that young people have in terms of knowing that they are accepted, discovering their purpose and so much more.  I believed that God would connect me to young people to be an example. I also believed that the church was the community to bring all those things together. Without any actual examples I really believed the church not only had an answer but could be the place which provided answers to the community.  What do I mean by that.  I really believed that God was empowering the church to bring communities together to enact the change we wanted to see. As I reflect, I couldn't articulate what it was but I believe there was a sprinkling of evidence that I wanted to be involved in the lives of others for good and that I believed in the power of Christ that the church community was positioned to do that good.  I remember journaling about doing social justice but I didn't have a working definition of it at the time and even today the definition is elusive.

Coupled with this aspiration, as well intentioned as I was at the time I was in no way prepared to journey through what was hidden in the shadows and much of the brokenness that lurked underneath. However, God led me there.  In my reflection, help me to see my journey holistically.  I critique my desire to mentor as something I sought for my own affirmation.  I really lacked the follow through with my brothers. Even working with teenager, it's something I have done but I see myself as so socially awkward I don't even know, I shy away now.  God did use my experience working with young people as a foundation for teaching at the collegiate level.  Overall I want every student to succeed and be more well informed people of integrity and members who contribute positively to society. I think that's what drives me for all students. Because I am a man I have particularly focused on young men.

So that's been there, however I was not well informed of the realities of racism and how its persistence was what lead to many of the disparities faced by particularly Black and Brown students.  There was a whole reality that I was not privy to.  What experiences opened my eyes to it all? Before I answer that I want to go back to where I was during the Trayvon Martin killing and trial. I was appalled by it but one of things that I lacked was the awareness of structural racism. The fact that a grand jury upheld that George Zimmerman was not guilty. I don't remember our church particularly speaking on this injustice from the pull pit, which is not a critique but just an observation. The execution of Troy Davis, numerous other police killings of unarmed Black men and women, I didn't have a language for and I like many Americans would be shocked and move on and go about my daily routine. For some reason, now my analysis is different. 

I can't help but tie some of this to being a part of a racial reconciliation ministry at a former church, which was majority white with white leadership.  This is important because it really gave me an inside look into whiteness as a way of being in the world.  I have to fast forward to when we finally transitioned from the church and so much clicked for me.  Coming out of that community I remember my colleague invited me to #Cleartheair and I read Martin Luther King's Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community and honestly it blew my mind.  I remember my mind being blown because much of what he was talking about in terms of the retrenchment of racial progress I saw right in front of me.  Also where he critiques the white moderates, I saw that as the exact characteristic of the white church I came out of.  It really sparked something in me and I started to listen to Pass the Mic more. I read Jean Theoharris A Beautiful and Terrible History. I read Ibram Kendi's How to Be An Antiracist which sparked my interest in Black Theology strikingly. I downloaded Dr. Holloway's Yale Course on African American History. I was hungry and it was all making sense to me.   I read Mark Charles and Soon Chan Ra's  Unsettling Truth's which implicate the church's role in the genocide as a product of colonization.  I really grappled with the extent of the injustice and roles that institutions particularly the church played in it.  Noliwe Rook's Cutting School was also instrumental in showing me the exploitative practices.  

My time is up but I'm not done reflecting.