Day 1

 Can I journal 10 days straight and see what comes to the surface?  I can, but will I? This is a serious question. Will I carve out the space to write for this period? I want to. I'll try.

I want my words to stick. What's the obstacle?  The obstacle is me. Am I afraid of what I will find? Am I afraid that I'll be powerful. I don't want to say no but I don't know if it is a definitive yes. I'm going to do my best.  I still want my words to have power that in the face of the things I want to shrink back from that i definitively say with all conviction yes I will.  

Here are all the things I thought of in under 2 seconds.  O will hold me accountable but I don't know if i want that. I thought of Que and all that they are experiencing. I have not brought myself to pray. Why does this feel painful to me. I don't know what I can do in this situation. It feels overwhelming to me and I'm not the one at the center of this experience. I'm going to pray into this. Those times I have to draw on God's strength to pray a prayer that will push past the ceiling. That activates my faith in a way that is beyond me.

That's actually how Theo and I became closer friends. Same thing with D Jakolby though the seasons have shifted. 

I don't know how to explain it but I have this hesitancy around who I am musically. That was one part of me that was so prominent and now I'm in a place where I have to remember that You even flowed through me in that vein.  I was listening to Let's Take A Walk. Mike and I really gelled on that track and what I remember is that is flowed so seemlessly through our conversation. How Willie was able to listen to me sing and fit the right chords around it better than I would have imagined. Same thing with Da Fingaz Long Distance...just wow.  Lord I wonder what am I to make of that now. I personally feel so inadequate.  I never intentionally meant to bury any of that. From what I experienced in moving to Boston shit was just so packed together for me. . . from the commute to MCC, being engaged then preparing for a wedding, all the CotC stuff (JP initiative on Saturdays, church on Sundays, helping Charmie in her being involved) the networks and the space just didn't exist for me like I hoped. Don't get me wrong, writing with Issa and Sam on that one track was good and I do appreciate that opportunity.  The thing missing for me was just that the season of life I have been in since that didn't include writing music the way I wanted it to.  I think I've just been desperate for community and space where I can thrive. 

Lord you did breathe life on me in terms of being drawn to contribute by leading worship.  That took a serious focus for me.  It took some time and you did open the door for relationship with Ryan to be in a more trusted space more so for him. For me it wasn't a question of if I could do it, it was more being literate of the structures in place and how can I thrive inside of it in a way that makes sense for me without giving up too much of who I am.  Once again that was a situation where I was trying to make others more comfortable with me: the pastor, the music team, the congregation.   This is what lead me to consider being on staff as a worship leader. In that respects what I saw for myself was doing so part time. Why??  One aspect was bringing in extra money and still pursing musical growth. That was a time where I felt what I believe to be a call to worship in music ministry was heavy.  

The opportunity to lead worship at CTK Roxbury for about a year plus was formative. I'm remarking on all that you have allowed me to be a part of that just hasn't been top of mind. From that experience I affirm in myself to be a gifted worship leader. It has given me confidence and I'm not fully aware of. I can get into my own bag of this is what I need to do for this that I forget what is actually taking place in the moment and how God is meeting people through me.  God I thank you for those experiences and I apologize for treating them as though they are insignificant because of how I interpret things to be now.   PT has such gifted leaders and I believe you are showing me how I need to show up in this season.   You are challenging me to be faithful, remember that it is not about me and that there is a place for me even though it looks different from what I am used to.    

I don't think it is appropriate to lament. I think I have to honor the season I'm in and allow the Lord to satisfy me.  So musically I don't know where I am but you have light a fire around social justice, race, being critical and illuminating the power structures at work there is something there and I have not really thought about music as much. I feel so different.  I wonder where was I previously and why now are all these ideas coming up for me?  I'm not sure and I don't know what exactly to do with it. 

I had to take a break and sit with the Lord for a bit. My time was to show gratitude for what He has done and rest in Him for where He has me now. Keep my eye open Lord. I'm available.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fully Functioning Society

The course that I thought was so riveting is now becoming less of such. This is probably because the questions I ask people just give blank stares as if I'm speaking Chinese, African what have you. I think it is more of a self-confidence thing. I have a high need for feedback and when people don't say anything I start thinking something is wrong with me. Silence makes me nervous for some reason. If that last sentence was a lead to an article I would have gotten absolutely no coverage. So glad I can have a forum where my writing is not being judged. My question today is does PR add value to society? Should it seek to help make society fully functional? We can see now that the consequences of a corporate culture of greed and self interest is finally bearing bitter fruit for so many industries. So now the public is demanding that CSR be the very core of business. But beyond that should PR seek an orientation to make society fully functional? This was the argument in class tonight.
Read more

The Death of Nick Charles

This is my first post of 2013! This isn't really the post that I want to start the year off with so let's play catch up. For New Years I went to church, shot my first gun and drank champagne with my cousins. I was pretty excited to get back to work for the Spring semester. One reason being because each semester serves as a fresh start. Another reason being because I had a class that wouldn't start until February, so my load this time around is much lighter. I enrolled into an acting class. Our first assignment, and the reason for this post, is to pick a poem that could be delivered in a minimum of 2 minutes in length. I don't follow poetry too much so I chose the first long poem in Black Voices. It's called The Death of Nick Charles by Everett LeRoi Jones, who I later found out is Amiri Baraka. I heard of the author but never heard of the poem.  Not having a clue who Nick Charles was I did a search and found out that he was a sportscaster that died recently. This
Read more

This One's For The Ladies

To give some context to this statement I'll tell the story of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth's husband died and she decided to stay with her mother in law, Naomi. Naomi and Ruth are dirt poor and go through a lot of tragedy where they are. Instead of returning back to her family she decides to keep the customs of her mother in law. Naomi has a distant relative Boaz, who happens to be mad rich. Naomi tells Ruth to work in Boaz's field to make ends meet. Long story short Boaz takes a liking to Ruth and eventually they get married. Through all of the struggle Ruth went through she ends up with someone that is best for her. Now that you know this story you will understand this comment I saw on facebook: Hey Ladies, "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait o
Read more