Day 1 Again

I just had 20 different thoughts.

I'm thinking about Justice Prayer, what questions should I ask my pastor, should I ask the team?  Who is available to be my sounding board? If I'm honest with myself I think I knew for awhile that I should step in. I just question my intellect and ability primarily because I compare myself with others and look down upon where I am.

I was given this 10 day assignment over a year ago, let's go. I'm actually excited to engage in it. So 10 days of journaling 20-30 minutes and after 10 days come back and review what was shared.  I won't judge myself. I'll look for patterns.

So the question is this: O raised this and so did the book by Pete.  Let me go find the question...as I'm looking for this question I'm getting tons of other thoughts so here goes.  The question comes down to this, if money were no object what would you be doing?

Right now I'd spend time learning more about the contributions and ideas of people of African descent, particularly believers and how they fought back against oppressions and lived lives that left a mark on those around them and contributed to the knowledge of society.  I have a particular interest in how people of African descent across the diaspora did this. I'd want to gain an understanding and a language in these ideas.  I'd like to replicate the freedom schools, work with partners to find funding sources and have impact in the community.

This idea brings me back to what I imagined when I took that grant writing workshop back in 2005.  I sat at Ms. Sherri's dining room table and learned about the process. I desire to be a part of something. Something that is moving. A community that is making a difference. It's quite possible that what I contribute is dynamic in that it adjusts to the needs of the group.  Is that who I am? I adjust to what is needed in the group so is that why it's hard to define how I show up? 

What would it be like for me to ask the people that I've worked with how I show up in a group? In your opinion what have you seen me contribute?  What I really want to know is how people that work with me see me both positive feedback and room for improvement.   I can take it. 

Let's write for 15 more minutes.  My desire is to be a part of something that is making an impact in the material condition of people around me. As a scholar, I need something to write about. I think about a lot of things from the significant role that race plays in human interaction, to how identity markers are a source of inequality and how that shapes not only individual attitudes but how institutions engage both inside and outside of themselves. Fundamentally I'm seeing the interconnectedness of life and desire some type of outlet or community to explore with, struggle with and be in community with. 

Back to the first lady urging me to explore and dive deeper in my prophetic wiring when it comes to prayer.  I don't feel like I'm done with this journal just yet.  I'm working on accepting my ideas for what they are whether they are fully formed, whether they make sense, are clear or not  I have to accept the process I'm going through right now and how God is forming  me in this season and stage of life. I don't have to know everything and I am.

So what's coming up for me in this reflection is being true to who I am and what I want to see for myself even if it's not fully formed.  Tapping in to God to complete it.  This goes back to something Uncle Kevin said is that God is leading me to do something that there is no blueprint for, there are no models for and I have to lean more into God for him to give the direction to me.  It's crazy cuz Lord, I struggle with knowing your direction particularly in paths that I have not walked before.  People look to me for direction but I'm like .  . . I don't know fam! So my response tends to be fear, being unsure, it's like everyone sees great things for me except me and it baffles me.  Look how far I've come though. I can say that I'm still in tact. I made it through and finished well in those experiences and the places that you had me, even when I was hesitant to move from You left Your mark.

Middlesex Community College, through You I left a mark. You left a mark.  Word Alive Church, through Your I left a mark, even if very few people remember me. I left a mark.  Northern VA Community College, I left a mark.  Virginia Tech Impact Movement I left a mark, You use me to leave a mark some of these things I may never know the extent but I believe I finished well. Judah LYFE ministries, I left a mark . So as I move ahead I see that You can make me capable of even greater.