Consecutively Part I

 Happy 2023.  I logged on to the platform and see that Writing Wednesday, which had much promise didn't quite work out the way I imagined.  Actually, I did not follow through but here is to a fresh new start.  I'm taking some time to connect with God to connect with myself and flesh out my thoughts.

My prayers are numerous at the moment. Before I go into that I want to say a few things.  Based on conversation I had with Dr. Jean-Charles I'm looking to take the next 10 days to write consecutively.  For now I'm not putting time on the clock. I'm searching for myself and searching for where my thoughts lead and the passion lies.  It's right in front of me but Lord I need you to teach me to see. Show me what to focus on.

My class went well, I believe.  I'm asking for a miracle because I haven't waiting until the last week to get organize like I have this time around.  I can't say I was genuinely excited about the start of the term but as I get closer to each class meeting my attitude changes. I really do want to see the students you've entrusted me with this term to be successful.  To finish and not fail. I think class went well off the strength that I felt like I was myself. 

What's challenging me at the moment.  I have an upcoming conversation with the leaders of Restore Worship where I have to share my limits.  I can't get around it. This arrangement isn't working for my family so I have to ask for alternative options.  The challenge comes in the uncertainty because I don't have the level of relational equity that I'd like.  Also the truth is, I'd have challenges with this no matter what the situation. Something in me gets nervous and I feel how elusive it is for me to say what someone may not like to hear. Even in my age, I try to escape having to do this.  The opportunity here is that it opens the door for more vulnerability. I also see that I try to evade those situations.  Why? Is it because I am afraid of not looking strong or in control?  Is it that I want to control how others respond to me?  If so, that's not relationship.  It's ok for me to ask for what I need and state what I need and desire. 

This isn't what I thought I'd discuss but here it is. I distract myself with work and study. What would happen and how would I see myself if I did not pick up another book on race or Black history?  Who would I be without it? I ask myself that because that has been such a focus as of late.  It's all I've cared about.  What would happen in my family, if I consistently played with Barnes each week after he gets home?  What would become of our home?  

Just before I go, I want to recap the thought I began my class with.  I remember from my Black History Class the eulogy by David Dennis, civil rights leader and Deputy Director of C.O.R. E.   I decided to use his speech as a way to illustrate how public speaking is a human act and though each of us may seem insignificant we can trust ourselves to say what is needed for each moment. 


  


Let's pick this up tomorrow or later today perhaps. 


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