Writing Wednesday

 I have a love hate relationship with discipline and it has spilled over into various areas of my life. From prayer, to health, to my practices as an instructor to being present for my wife and son, I'm constantly sinking into the fact that I just don't want to do it right now.  And that is not good enough.

I must be waiting on some grand moment to shift my heart where I'll show up like a superhero everytime but that's not how it works or if it does I know its not sustainable. Writing Wednesdays is because I haven't written outside of crisis moments. I'm going on a 6 year plus of not checking in with myself or laying out my thoughts and I hate it. Actually I really hate it because I know I'm capable of so much more and I don't want to be scared to write, to truly lay out what I think to really get out everything that is bubbling up in me, to write in multiple formats for audiences.  It's possible and it's do able.

Greater self awareness is my goal because 80% of the time I'm just trying to get it done until the next deadline and I hardly take the time.  I realized that my son's love language seems to be quality time. This could be why he likes to be up under us constantly.  Said differently I believe he notices when we aren't attending to him and giving him the attention he requires.  So I want to do that differently for what is left in this year.  Help me pay more attention to my wife the small things.

See there I did it. I got distracted by work and did not sustain focus.  Help me to focus. Today, today my mind is juggling two classes, which I'm prepared for. It's the grading due by tomorrow that I'm like ehhh.  Then the tasks I said I'd complete for Charmie.  How about I just go pray about that.

Lord I am grateful for Charmie's capacity.  I'm grateful for her thoughtfulness and how she steps up to be the bigger person.  You are right. She is right. I could never walk through what she is walking through in her career being a truth teller. I pray God that you replenish her daily and that you would constantly remind her and send reminders that You are with her.  

I'm grateful for Barnes. He is a sweet boy and You have given him special favor with the people he encounters. Help me to slow down to watch and not exert power over him but to pay attention to what he is trying to communicate and not treat my family like a chore or means to an end. Writing Wednesday I ask to start over.


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