Am I Back?

 Am I back? Or am I back?  So, I created a wordpress site about 6, yes 6 years ago. So before I even get to that I realize a few things. Well actually one main thing, which is that I have become so radically intellectualized.  I was recently on the phone with my former graduate advisor ramping on about how insane the world is, how our country's failure to address and redress the racism embedded in each system plays out in the academy, in church, in the media and across so many institutions.  I can go on about these thing and I don't believe I left much room for him to add anything but and he said something affirming but also profound.  He said that I sound like an academic.

Before I go on to pull this notion a part, I must admit that I am doing so in the midst of watching an almost 3 year old until my wife gets home. I have so many thoughts on my head because of my advisor's statement and it's further complicated by the natural interruptions, but here goes.  Here is the significance of that statement. The man who said this to me is probably if not the first instructor that I worked with that raised my consciousness in the classroom to systemic injustice.  Though, at the time I did not have the language or the frameworks to comprehensively grapple with the reality of the system being the problem and not the people or their work ethic, I was none the less exposed to the social justice nature that was possible in the academy.  I didn't know the extent but I knew it was out there.  Even this site in which I'm typing intersect with that because I used this blog to discuss some of the material I read in the independent study.  Shit, this was one of the main professors that was responsive to me because I remember my entire last year of graduate school and how I was turning stuff in late.  It was nuts lol.

This statement from him about "sounding like an academic" is significant because I ran from it, trying to do as little as possible while still being on the fringes.  Look at my story.  I went in to my graduate program thinking I'd go on to get a PhD. I ended my Masters ready to go into the work force however I ended up right back in the academy but teaching at the community college.   10 years later I'm still teaching at the community college and I remark on how this was not what I intended but I thank God for how it has worked.  I'm here because this is where I'm supposed to be and as long as God would allow I will remain here.  I still have longing for something deeper. 

I've seriously been radicalized. I don't look at the flowings of where I work the same.  I am aware of the injustice inside of me and all around me. Today I listed to a podcast featuring Adam Harris

Now it's over 6 months later. I have about 10 minutes until our guests come over for brunch. I'm wowed by what I wrote. I don't fully remember that encounter with my former advisor but I receive all that it suggests.  Now I'd like to run through all of my former blogs to help me remember. I keep searching for this ah ha moment. It's fascinating how revelation works.

It was two years ago that my colleague and deacon met with me to share that God let her in on how I need to pursue a PhD. I receive it. It's been affirmed on more occasions than I can count. I can say in this space, I'm more assured of where I land in terms of what to pursue. Switching gears though, I had a dream that I was talking to someone and processing my experience interning with an ad agency. In my dream I was talking to a colleague that was working on a project. From what I recall in the dream she was thinking of questions to ask to interrogate how race and racism play out in the world of advertising. In our conversation, I was recalling with a new lens how racism particularly stereotypes of black people play out in the day to day interactions with colleagues.  What's remarkable about that dream was that I never look at my experience from the standpoint of how racism could be at play.

I reread my personal statement for The Lagrant Foundation scholarship back in 2008. I had ambitions. I wanted to work at a PR firm. I wanted to do my own consulting. I wanted to expose high school students to PR. I thought that having people of color on the team could help teams do more responsible marketing, which is true.  Reading that 14 years later I never considered how racism comes into play.  Yes more diverse teams are more satisfying and problem solve deeper but considering the world of PR and media has been shaped by one that privileges whiteness.  As it relates to major media companies and the major agencies that complement it, it is white run and white cultural norms prevail.  I didn't have the lens to think of how these very institutions excluded voices on the margin unless these voices parroted the dominant culture. Hmmm there is much to unpack.  You have the level of these organizations becoming more diverse given the power structure and cultural norms of the environment.  You have the level of organizations run by people of color. Do these organizations have the reputation and capital to compete? I'm considering the racial wealth gap. There will have to be some serious sacrifice and investing to grow these companies to the level that will level the playing field.  Inherent in that line of thinking is why wouldn't an PR/media organization owned by a BIPOC person have the resources.  This will largely be determined by class and network, but it is possible.  It still doesn't account for the fact that the starting point will be much more behind given the racial wealth gap and resource network of white historically. Even still it is pretty complicated to think about this and I didn't have the lens to really see how complex what we were dealing with was.  

So how does this make me feel to revisit this. I want to look at this in a healthy way but I can't help but feel like I missed out. I feel the way I typically do when I realize damn, I missed the mark and I didn't have the constructs to really understand and analyze what was at work. I go into the mode that tells myself, "How do I make up the time?" But that anger will only take me so far.  At this point I genuinely want to be a better educator and leader and want to be equipped with the tools to go deeper myself and contribute those tools to other. So there I am. There it is.