Day 1 Again

It's the summer of 2024. My son starts camp today. I came from the men's summit.  Had an incredible Father's Day. All the more reminder that my priority is God, my wife, my son.  I found myself going into the summit feeling like  . . .  I'm really looking for connection. I want to be included.  These are feelings that I have often and have struggled with often.  There are moments that I start to feel envious and unseen when I know I have come a long way and God sees me. I know it in my head but I fight to feel it in my heart. I can write it off as a struggle for attention but I do wonder what is underneath it. 

I came to the conclusion that the emotional intimacy I know I need, but run away from, that what is available to me I discard it because it comes in a form that doesn't meet my expectation is a reflection of where I am with God.  God I know I have not pursued you.  Yes, the reality of the season is that it is much harder than before. I didn't expect it to be and I'm in disbelief and have been walking in my own strength continuously to try to make it happen. When what I know doesn't work, I just avoid it and distract myself with the wrong thing until I've pretty much medicated my heart with all the things that fall short of actually satisfying me and filling me up.  So here is a reset.  I thank you for a fun spades game, checking in with Uncle Kevin, what you showed me in my heart bearing with Peter, catching up with Kendall conversations with Tim, riding back with Nick, committing to working out and all that I did hear at this retreat.  This is the community that I will stick with and although I know I'm so incredibly different and there is a part of me that wants to substitute attention from others with a deeper sense of my own self worth I know you are fortifying me to remember who I am, to show the world who I am, to grow more into who I am and respect and honor the contribution that You put me on earth to make that is distinct and unique. 

This is the season where my priority is my family and that needs to be in order. 

Grief and sitting with myself and others in a place of pain, grief, difficulty is something that I must stop running away from.  Journeying through negative emotions. I hate the sound of it.  I keep running to what is comfortable emotionally and mentally but I need to do better.  To show empathy, authentic empathy to first myself, my wife, my son and the friends that you have placed me around. 

You really have blessed me with an incredible community. Help me to bear with myself and bear with others even when I want to shrink back, walk away, when I don't feel included.  Here's the thing, you can feel something and it not be based in reality.  The truth is that there are conditions and I don't have to be everywhere at all times. What about the relationships I don't invest my attention toward. I can do better as a friend. I can do incredibly better as a spouse and father.  

This is my reset and I'm energized to try again.  Uncle Kevin reminded me of God's grace. Let's walk in a deeper awareness and reliance of God's grace.  It's this grace that is creating a place for me and launching me into my assignment.  

I passed up on applying to be Assistant Dean. Maybe this is all in my head but the scope of work did not appeal to me.  What do I want.  I want to see the equity and justice arm of our institution be strengthened and staffed intentionally.  I want to be in a position where I am not just a yes, go along with what's here, where there is some sort of decision and advisory power.   I'd like to educate educators but I'm not sure in what capacity.  

I stepped away for some hours to pray with my wife, get my son ready for camp, drop him off now I'm back home.  I'm looking forward to exploring this further and seeing where this journaling leads.

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